It's hard to believe it's been a little over 5 months since I took fingers to keyboard and started having a dialogue with myself on this old blog. It's gone through several incarnations and quite honestly I don't know if it will survive and make the final cut in my own rites of passage.
You see, when I started here I was young. It was a different title, even varying from the Lunchbox Assassin to the well known Lucky Lettuce. I used to write poems. I used to write prose. I talked about time warps and memories, boys and the boulevard. It's been TEN years, this blog has lived.
I ended my very first post in the world of blogging of 2003 with "People never cease to amaze me, and I never cease to embarrass myself. It's the way of my world." I like to think people still amaze me, but more so in how terrible they can be these days and I'm pretty sure I still embarrass myself on the regular.
What was I doing 10 years ago today? Let's see...
I actually wrote a poem - ha!
...and how am I today?
I am certainly not fine by far
But you could say
I'm close to spectacular" (OutKast)
live to tell
buy some Korbel and turn down the lights
its bright in here
but not my mind.
Sure I could say I'm fine but I'm delusional
institutional and not feeling very refined
just out of my mind
thanks to the last week.
Twas my last tweak but
blessed are the meek for they shall
inherit the earth--
but is it really worth
the cost of depravity?
I mean THIS is the city
we eat sleep breathe fuck and grown in
give in and grin in,
wait in line and try to get in
good graces with.
Switch places with me
have drinks with me
find a shrink with me or
I can be your Freud
and we can both get repeatedly annoyed
while emotions sit on the fence.
I forget the pretense
it could have been happenstance
but for this little lyrical lap dance
virile and verbal tap dance
I was always in the lead.
I've got weeds growing in the back of my brain
and you could call me insane
but who YOU tryin' to get crazy with ese?
Nothing I say is less than loco
un poco good Samaritan
un poco going off the edge again
but that's just the way it is today
that's just MY way
and YOU just read into it
Oh, the memories. This reeks of the Lido, champagne wishes and boulevard dreams. It's got a sprinkling of depravity, drugs and a little bit of crazy. Sounds about right. It also proves my point that anything and everything said is really just open to interpretation. It's not what I put out there, it's what someone reads into it. Still true these days, and not always for the better.
I'm much more different now. I'm different than I was 6 months ago, let along 10 friggin' YEARS ago. I spend my time drinking wine still, but hellishly tracking calories, logging fitness routines and bemoaning my waist size more than anything else. I have another blog for that now, thank you very much.
I miss my family time back when it was actually normal. I miss my mind, back when I felt normal. I miss feeling spontaneously hopeful or giddy like a school girl on crack after running through a Japanese grocery store. I miss simpler times. I miss my uterus once in a while, but not that much. I miss being able to only have mild anxiety when entering a car, instead of instant paranoia now because of the accident. (I miss being to have a pain free run because of that too.) I think it's the holiday season that makes me think of the past, keeping memories close and flashbacks of paths I used to walk in. Another reason why I'd like a lobotomy from Nov 1 to Jan 1.
I hurt a little easier now. I hold grudge a lot longer now. I'm not as forgiving as I once was and maybe that will change. I need to work on looking back on experiences with gratitude instead of comparison or judgement. I am going to focus on myself as I have been. I am going to examine my relationships and take what I can get, offer what I can give and let go of the rest.
A new perspective is what I need, since my current one is not so rosy. Not sure when I'll be back but I know it will take a while to figure out.